How to Leave a Child in Four Delicious Recipes

Carlos Fidel Espinoza

1.

Remove and discard the giblets from the cavity of a raw chicken. Season it with kosher salt, pepper, rosemary, and lemon juice. Bake for forty-five minutes in a four-hundred-twenty-five- degree oven. When your wife gets home from work, she’ll ask what the occasion is. Tell her that you’re stressed; tell her you need to spend quality time together. Alarms will go off, don’t worry the oven is letting you know that the chicken is done. Let it rest for ten minutes under a foil tent. Carve the chicken by inserting your butcher’s knife between the joints and the bones. If the joints are tough, give the knife-handle a whack. Kitchen shears work best for removing the spine and cutting through ribs.

2.

Meet your girlfriend in a parking lot. Take her car back to her apartment. Add linguini noodles to a pot of boiling salted-water. In a large sauce-pan: brown scallops with butter and season with cracked black-pepper. Toss garlic, white-wine, and cooked pasta in a sauce pan. Drizzle with olive-oil and top with the seared scallops. Serve with a rich Merlot. Your girlfriend will ask you to leave your wife. Tell her she needs to be strong and that you love her. Tell her that your daughters are almost old enough to understand divorce. Tell her that you’re miserable at home.

3.

Crack four eggs into a bowl, add vanilla extract and milk. Whisk till the eggs froth. Dip white-bread into the egg mixture and place the bread on a hot, greased-skillet. Sprinkle with confectioner’s sugar. Watch your daughters dip the bread in syrup and dance in their chairs as they eat. Explain to them that you and Mom are going to separate. Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them that you love them; tell them you will see them all the time. Serve them cold milk.

4.

Add one scoop of Similac to a microwave-safe plastic bottle. Fill it with water, shake and microwave. Check the temperature of the formula by sprinkling it over your wrist. After your daughter finishes her bottle lay her on the changing table and remove her soiled diaper. Wipe her bottom. Sprinkle her with baby powder. Put her to sleep. When your wife asks you what you’re going to make for dinner? Tell her you’ll start by removing and discarding the giblets from the cavity of a raw chicken and seasoning it with kosher salt, pepper, rosemary and lemon juice. Tell her you’ll bake it for forty-five minutes, in a four-hundred-twenty-five degree oven.