My Father Apologizes to my Mother for Last Night

               he wants us to know that he is doing the best he can

               we are short a chair at the dining room table but we do not have to clean up this time

               because he is doing the best he can and he will bring home a better chair

               a chair that doesn’t break a chair that doesn’t fit so perfect in his hands over his shoulder

               a chair that won’t hurl so easy towards my mother at one in the morning and into a wall he is doing the best he can a chair should be harder to pick up and throw we should make ourselves less target more person and he will bring home a better chair he will bring home a better wall

               a wall

               a wall that doesn’t crunch every time we are not close enough to catch his fists a wall with stronger spackling a better wall a wall he can mount our heads on a better wall we need several new walls these will not do they are all so holy

               walls should be harder to bless not so holy with the fists we are on the floor holy on our knees he is doing the best he can and he will bring home a better floor

               a floor that doesn’t speak every time he presses our faces up to it a floor we will feel comfortable on the next time we are thrown down to it he is doing the best he can to find a better floor to grind us into he is doing the best he can to make us more comfortable down there on the floor a better floor he is doing everything he can he is doing the best he can what

               are we doing are we doing the best we can is this the best we can do he doesn’t think so we are too much chair and wall and floor and he is too much wrecking ball he will never stop swinging but he is doing the best he can

               he is doing the best he can

               he is doing the best he can

               the next morning we find a box of chocolates on the kitchen sink open them up open our mouths swallow this latest apology when we bite into them we realize they are filled with our blood when he arrives home he is angry to find all but three candies fully intact three cherry filled chipped tooth black eyed bites all the injuries he served saved stitched into sweet shelled “I’m sorry”s without ever even saying “I’m sorry” and we are sorry we did not eat all the chocolates we know he is doing the best he can

               we are doing the best we can

               cheeks soft hearts

               ruined walls

               scattered

               trembling house searching safety like following breadcrumbs home through the forest he is doing the best he can in a house he cannot help but tear apart we are chopping firewood with our throats stacking lumber like pillows building Lincoln log cabins around our beds trying to sleep safe tonight slipping secrets through the scaffolding shaking tasting pennies underneath our tongues every time the ceiling fan falls

               the first time we came back we came back to a house with no doors once he knew we would stay he brought home new doors better doors put them back on the hinges doors

               with no keyholes doors with no locks no more hiding the second time we came back he nailed my brother’s dresser to the floor

               no more blockades against these better doors lockless doors

               how the hell can we act as if we are living in a war zone when really he is doing the best he can and we are the ones who keep breaking this treaty we are the ones who keep forgetting our parachutes how can he be blamed if we always forget our parachutes and all he ever did was throw us from the plane

               by the third time we came back I knew how it went

               my mother was still bleeding he scraped our scabs like chocolate shavings for our birthday cakes

               red raspberry screaming sweetness candles blown out the best he can

               the fourth time

               we come back

               we are short a chair at the dining room table and we clean up this time because we know he will be back with a better chair because

               we know

               he is doing the best he can